The Fabulous (and Free) Full-Body Massage at the Airport

3/17/09 Update: They responded! See the post here.
3/13/09 Update: One week later and still no word from TSA. But I'm not giving this one up!

TSA explains on their blog why they like to feel us up. Wheelchairs are chick-magnets you know. Except of course, it's old dudes with hair in their ears talking to you in a thick foreign accent groping your body as you stare at the clock hoping your flight doesn't board without you. So much for being a chick-magnet.

You've seen it. You're waiting in the ever-so-distant back of the line, where you can barely see the TSA screening area without squinting. Then here I come, some dude in a wheelchair, and I cut right to the front of the line.

"Lucky bastard."

They push me to a different line away from the crowd. I wait as they yell "MALE ASSIST NEEDED!" about 4 or 5 times in a thick foreign accent. Meanwhile, you halve the distance to the screening area.

Then some old guy comes over with latex gloves on, appearing to be very much less enthusiastic than I am about what's gonna happen.

"Follow me. Do you want to do this in private?"

"No, here's fine." Damn. Why couldn't I get a hot TSA babe? Is there a hot TSA babe? Too bad Virgin Airlines doesn't run this TSA crap (click photo for the video).

"I'm going to pat you down with the back of my hand. Please let me know if there are any sensitive areas I should be aware of."

How about my pride? I'm checking the clock. People are zipping through the metal detector while I'm stuck here waiting. I might miss my flight.

You run through the metal detector, put your shoes on, get your stuff, and you're walking out to your flight gate while I'm still getting patted down.

I take off my shoes as he continues to pat me down all the way to my toes. He grabs what looks like a Oxy-pad and wipes it all around my chair. Then he puts it in a machine, comes back a few seconds later and announces to me "You're good to go."

Ah, freedom!

I'm def not a lucky bastard - unless by "lucky" you mean a hairy old man touching you in front of everyone, taking forever so that you're almost late for your flight.

HOW IT CAN BE BETTER

What they could do to improve this stinky ol' process is have some kind of detector where the wheelchair can roll through. Like an X-ray kind a thing that doesn't get blocked by titanium or aluminum.

This would improve security, too. For instance, in the pat down the TSA agent feels the cushion with his hands. There still could be things hidden inside the air cells of the cushion (see photo).

Also, I don't feel confident that the TSA agents searches wheelchairs thoroughly:

• What about under the seat?
  
• What about the seat-back-cushion?
• What about the side guards?

Now, don't get me wrong, I don't want the process to be longer than it already is. I just see how the current process fails on two major points:

1. Security.
   
2. Passenger comfort and dignity.
   

If they can develop a roll-through detector that can be more secure, then this quicker, less humiliating process will help retain the dignity of disabled wheelchair passengers like me. That, and get some tips from Richard Branson and hire some fit TSA agents.

Hopefully someone at TSA is listening.